There’s a good reason you never saw Jaws: The Revenge

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theater

Even the title art sucks. So what’s the deal with the Jaws sequels anyway? Are these supposed to be ‘Son of Jaws’? In ‘The Revenge’ we get deep into the psychic link between (presumably starving) actress, Lorraine Gary’s character, Ellen Brody and the shark which has been haunting her family for years – no mention of the fact that each film ends with a dead shark.

Michael Caine enters the story as Ellen’s love interest because he apparently never says no to an acting job so long as he can just be himself. Aside from his studio headshot in the Amity police department, the chief no longer appears because, as IMDB puts it, “some time ago, Ellen’s husband Martin Brody died of a heart attack that happened because he was afraid of sharks.” (translated: he read the script before signing on)

We do get to feed the beast with a couple more Brodys though as the shark uses the younger son to fuel his long distance swim into the warm waters of the Bahamas chasing the chief’s wife. There, he refreshes with a banana boat and rider before relentlessly tracking down Ellen wherever she goes. Remember Jaws II? That shark ate a damn helicopter. The only way to top that is to actually take down a plane in The Revenge.

(stupendous unsteady hand-filming of Jaws IV on TV with cameraman commentary on)

I’m presently working on a script for Jaws X, where Jaws is cybernetically cloned from the dreams of Chief Brodys great-grand nephew as he sleeps in a stasis chamber aboard the spaceship Discovery while waiting for his time-travelling great-grand uncle (whatever) to lead a rescue crew in the Soviet ship,  Alexi Leonov. 

I’m pretty sure it’s going to be awesome. We’ll begin production as soon as I find a cast, crew, director, producer, funding and key grip. If it gets 1% on rotten tomatoes, it’ll at least be better than Jaws IV.

Jaws, The Revenge, one of the few films to get a 0% rating on rotten tomatoes. IMDB gives it a 2.8/10 stars, but that’s just because a lot of idiots use that site.

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3 comments on “There’s a good reason you never saw Jaws: The Revenge

  1. […] You can sleep through it too, or read my review. […]

  2. That movie was bad on a whole new level.

    • I remember seeing as a kid (well, when I was younger at least) and not realizing just how terrible it was. Not too many films can actually capture that 0% rating on rotten tomatoes. You really have to earn it.

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